The Birthday Eve Dinner: A New Rite of Passage for Children 5-15+

By Joline Godfrey

Purpose: Some families aspire to make their kids happy, others to raise happy kids. The two goals are not the same, and the outcomes are often very different. The former may be a loving voice lauding the most insignificant achievements, a new toy or treat for any event, homecoming at the end of the day or bravery for a trip to the doctor. The latter is a mindful process of constancy — helping children develop the capacity to make themselves happy, thrive and be resilient — no matter the challenges life offers up. 

Children train their parents from their earliest months with a smile, a clap of the hands, a gurgle of joy. So satisfying are these moments (coming as they may between long bursts of fussiness and the agony of sleeplessness) that parents reasonably do what they can to replicate small satisfactions that keep them going; they try to find ever more ways to make kids happy. 

The impulse is understandable — making it through the marathon of childhood is not an easy feat — but seizing small opportunities that go beyond the quick thrill of making kids happy can have a bigger pay-off for both kids and parents.  The Birthday Eve Dinner offers one such opportunity. Consider making this rite of passage a new family tradition.

The Set-Up. It’s the night before the child’s birthday. Take your child out alone to a restaurant that’s a little more special and a little quieter than, say, Chuck E Cheese or MacDonald’s (siblings are not invited unless, perhaps, you have multiples). The goal is to communicate, “This is important.”  For little ones, it might be any place they think of as special. For teens, the setting should signal “grown-up”; white tablecloths would not be inappropriate.

The Message. Your message is simple: the privileges that come with each birthday (gifts, fun, celebration) are balanced (not negated) by attention to new responsibilities. 

“Honey, we’re excited! Tomorrow is your birthday. We’ll have cake [or whatever], you’ll see your friends [if a party is in the works] and you’ll have wonderful surprises [assuming gifts will be forthcoming.] It will be fun! And tonight we’re here to talk about the changes that come with being a year older.” 

Gifts, fun, and celebration are not the whole story of growing older, but responsibility is not offered as a punitive after-effect of fun, but as a means of paying respect to the privilege of celebration. The point is to recognize that the pleasures of the day come thanks to the efforts of others, acknowledging that becoming a year older is part of the process of maturing.

The Conversation. While the message is essential, the conversation is critical.

“We’re celebrating the fact that you’re another year older. It’s exciting because it reminds us you are maturing and are ready for new responsibilities. Now that you’re another year older, what new responsibilities do you think you’re ready to handle?” 

The question tells the birthday child you recognize their new status and respect it. 

Now, such a question can be challenging for a five-year-old. You may have to offer examples: (Could you make sure the dog has water in her bowl at all times? Could you brush your teeth without being reminded? Could you put your toys away at the end of the day?). 

A ten-year-old may be proud as punch or puzzled (especially if this is a new rite of passage) and may also need help identifying new responsibilities. For example, (making your bed, setting the table a couple of times a week, keeping track of a first allowance, etc.). 

A fifteen-year-old may be suspicious of an unfamiliar attachment to a formerly unencumbered celebration. For them, responsibility may equate to giving a percentage of their birthday cash to a philanthropic cause, managing a financial report once a month, or volunteering in a program the family supports. It might mean a monthly clean-up of their closet or taking over the role of primary dog walker. New tasks can be anything that sends the message that your child is maturing, and that acquiring skills, becoming part of a community (family, school, or the larger village), maturing itself is an intentional journey, not an accident. 

The Repetition. Introducing new traditions, new rites of passage is rarely a breeze. Suspicion, misunderstanding, even fear are natural responses to new behavior on the part of parents. Starting the Birthday Eve Dinner tradition early (4 to 6-years-old) and normalizing expectations for young children is often easier on both the parent and the child. 

Which is not to say parents shouldn’t bother with older kids — better late than never! Beginning the tradition with older children may simply require more grit and determination on the part of parents. Whether working with young children or older kids, repeating the message and the question “What responsibilities are you ready to take on?” year after year is essential.

In year one, children may be surprised or puzzled by the exercise but go along with the novelty. In year two the response might be an indignant, “You told me this last year!” In year three you may get a rolling of the eyes (old news, ho hum). But by year four the tradition is set. This will be the story your kids tell their kids, “When I was growing up, every year...” Obviously, the conversation that links privilege and responsibility gets reinforced between birthdays, but linking key values to a significant annual event is an organic and effective way to build family culture that children carry within, throughout their lives.