From Kingdom to Kingdom Evolving

Governance over the Generations

By Joline Godfrey

I attend a summer chapel in St. George, Maine. Built over 120 years ago by ship builders and granite quarrymen, it is unheated, barely electrified, and beloved. With only enough pews to seat about 75 people, it offers an intimate space for contemplation. And the rotating roster of guest pasters provides a veritable buffet of perspectives and ideas as the summer unfolds.

This summer one sermon in particular stayed with me. The visiting pastor that day described having received a white paper from a colleague in which the word kingdom was mistyped as Kindom.  "Staring at it," he said, "I thought about how much more appropriate the idea of kindom is to our times than kingdom." He went on to talk about how 'kindom,' this accidental word, can offer a new approach to community, replacing old conventions of hierarchical rule. And as I sat listening to him, it seemed equally relevant to the changing needs of families all over the US.

Demographically, families across the US, whether they are shifting from the first generation to the next, or from a fifth to a sixth,  are faced with younger generations who became accustomed, early in life, to exercising voice through email, the internet, social media, etc. and are often put off by the more efficient, often less inclusionary practices of elder rule. Faced with my way or the highway, they choose the latter, leaving families to puzzle over how to get young family members back in the fold. And younger family members, intent on being heard, seek new ways to build governance structures that give them a place at the table.

Cousin consortiums are emerging as a new way to facilitate shared leadership, compelling a need for new language, new ideas, and new ways to balance fairness and justice, listening and hearing.  In anthropology, kinship refers to a web of social relationships. By opening up the idea of family to a kinship we offer breathing room in the context of changing norms.  As Father Knows Best and 'rule by dad' became increasingly antiquated, challenging the very idea of 'kingdom', there has been little guidance or support for innovations in family decision-making. 

Years ago, as a young member of an Outward Bound expedition, I found myself as the captain of a longboat crew in the middle of Penobscot Bay, in Maine. We'd been at sea for a couple of weeks, rowing from island to island. I've probably never been in such good shape. Each day crew members rotated roles. One day the boat's navigator, another the cook, and another the person in charge of managing oars and lines, etc.,  I was pretty competent at most anything that came my way. I was careful to get input, listen to my crewmates, and generally respected consensus. Then one day, on my watch, it was time to drop anchor and crawl on to the rocky shore of the next island. Looking around I kept asking what others thought about where we should anchor. The rocks kept coming closer. And I kept looking for input. Finally the Outward Bound instructor yelled, "Joline, just drop the anchor!"

It was a refreshingly clear instruction that I think of often when I am unsure about the line between collaboration and autonomous decision-making. Getting input and daring (having the support?) to just drop the anchor are both required skills in family governance. Re-imagining the family as a kindom offers a fresh way to explore:

• What constitutes kindom membership?

• In increasingly fluid and blended families, what are the new rules of membership?

• How does a kindom 'get things done?'  That is, how are roles chosen and responsibilities  allocated or shouldered?

• How is communication facilitated in a kindom? Private enterprise has been experimenting with this question for decades. From Slack to Zoom we see the speed and efficiency with which even large groups can navigate consensus and explore ideas that bubble up from  divergent  sources.

My Sunday contemplation did not offer a magical 'ah hah'.  Working together, whether in the most efficient hierarchies or in the most modern collaboratives takes time, a willingness to exercise respect, listen, and take risks; be bold and be open. It is, in other words really hard work, which is why so few families actually DO sustain more than two or three generations. But as families seek innovations to facilitate family sustainability, kindom is at least one idea worthy of exploration.

Your ideas and comments welcome here. What innovations in family decision-making can you imagine?